How Emotional Neglect Fuels a Lifetime of Overthinking

Earlier today, I answered the daily prompt question about “what I waste the most time on” (spoiler: it’s overthinking — and you can read that little brain spiral here), and I realised something bigger was brewing underneath it all. I don’t just overthink because I’m dramatic, anxious, or can’t make a bloody decision. I overthink because I have spent years being conditioned to believe that other people’s opinions mattered more than mine.

That wasn’t something I chose. It was something I absorbed, quietly, consistently, and without even knowing.

When you grow up without emotional validation, you don’t notice it straight away. You just think that maybe you’re a bit much, too sensitive, or not quite right somehow. You don’t throw tantrums, you internalise. You become hyperaware of how others feel, and completely disconnected from how you feel.

For me, it wasn’t one big moment. It was a thousand tiny ones, repeated every day. The questions no one asked. The tears and fears that were ignored. The way I could sit in a room full of people and still feel like background noise. There was no chaos to point at, just silence. Dismissiveness. A slow, steady message that my emotions were either inconvenient or invisible.

So what do you do with that?

You start scanning every room you enter for signs of approval. You replay conversations, over and over again, to check for damage. You water yourself down so no one’s ever uncomfortable. You get bloody good at anticipating what others need, and terrible at even knowing what you want.

And it doesn’t stay inside your head. It leaks out into your relationships, all of them.

You become the friend who never speaks up, the partner who walks on eggshells, the colleague who double checks every sentence, the parent who second guesses their instincts. You shrink yourself without even knowing you’re doing it, and then wonder why nothing feels safe or fulfilling.

Because deep down, there’s this echoing belief that I am not enough. I am not loveable unless I perform, please others, or prove myself.

This isn’t just something I’ve recently unpacked in therapy, it’s something I’ve started seeing in real time. In how I hold myself back. In the way I filter everything through the lens of “will they like me?” before I’ve even asked “do I like this?” It’s exhausting. And I know I’m not the only one doing it.

Which brings me to this post, because once you start seeing it, you can’t unsee it. And more importantly, you don’t have to keep carrying it.

I can’t go back and give younger me the attention she deserved, but I can stop living like I still need to earn it from everyone else.

If any of this hits home, you’re not alone. Let me know in the comments, or subscribe if you want more chaos, honesty, and the occasional emotional breakthrough disguised as humour.

Overthinking this post already? Probably. But at least now I know why. 😉

Lottie x